If we are not our thoughts, who are we?

Right now I am listening to Ahanu, Music for Meditation, specifically, a song titled Yoga Dreams. It is a real treat for me to slow down and take time for myself.  I just finished re-reading an article I’ve had laying around from an old Body and Soul, magazine. It’s Sunday night, and after a rough week, I’m afraid that once again, I wasted my weekend rehashing the thoughts of how things didn’t go my way from the week before, or how I could be less sad about what happened at work, and of course, I am crying about the loss of my father again, and to put some icing on that cake, I am fighting myself about why it is taking so long to overcome these heavy, heavy feelings. Susan Piver, the author of the article I am reading, is a Buddhist meditation practitioner, teacher, and author.  She wrote a book titled, How Not to be Afraid of Your Own Life. I tore Piver’s article out of Body and Soul magazine a while back because it talks about a spiritual awakening she had one night while she was taking out the garbage. She had been over-thinking and thinking some more, about how much someone had hurt her, and then played out scenarios in her head, much like I did all weekend, until she heard a voice from inside of her remind her that “nothing is going on right now.” At that moment she realized that no one was tormenting her and everything around her was peaceful. Things were still. Like most of us, within moments, Piver felt the flood of thoughts come back to her, and once again, that peaceful feeling disappeared.  This happens to most of us. I have attended seminars, and read and wrote many articles about this type of awareness. Yet, it is so easy for us all to live in the swamp of our minds. Piver mentions an old Buddhist teaching that illustrates this message. “When you throw a stick for a dog, he runs after it. But throw a stick for a lion, and he turns around to see who threw it. Similarly, we, like the lion, do not have to chase every thought. Like Piver, with this awareness, I am overjoyed that when I am not chasing my thoughts, there is complete stillness, beauty, and joy that waits for me to return.

Giving Thanks

I asked my cousin Dennis if I could post a recent note he sent out to my family this past Thanksgiving.  Thank You Dennis.
A Thanksgiving Reflection

By Dennis Augustine 2009

Everyone wants to feel the fullness of a life well lived. The difference is in what strategy is employed. Some believe consuming themselves with busy work, their careers, or special achievements are the way to go. Many believe that fame and fortune will be their flowering. Others see their fruit in their family, hobbies or exercise. Some strike out on wild adventures, while a few devote themselves to giving, volunteering or other spiritual pursuits. Whatever the method, the aim is fundamentally the same—to satisfy a longing for wholeness. We can chase many rainbows before we realize that what we truly want lies in the one place we never thought to look. The flower of our life is already in bud form in our present circumstances; for everything flowers, from within. It is a type of self-blessing, if you will. A blessing is an act of reverence, usually freely given from one to another as in a rite of passage. The deepest blessing comes from your self. Like any other blessing, however, it is not a matter of willing it into existence. It arises, spontaneously, from the silence within you. Blessings do not always come gift wrapped in gold. In fact, we often speak of great misfortune as a blessing in disguise. There is a connection between the words bless and the French word blessure, meaning, “wound.” Our wounds confer blessings on us when we embrace them as part of who we are, when we accept the premise that the brightness of our fire also casts shadows. The wounded healer is one who has dove deep into his or her own vulnerability and returns with the gift of compassion, as well as a knowledge, that can help others; like the sensation of belonging, of realizing that you have your unique place in the family of things. A blessing is a state of grace; like a flood of warmth that engulfs you from head to toe. May we all appreciate our blessings during this Thanksgiving season.

(Adapted from Roger Housden’s book Ten Poems to Open Your Heart. A commentary of Galway Kinnell’s poem Saint Francis and the Sow)

Serenity Now

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

The Guest House (Read Slowly)

My cousin sent me this poem via email…

The Guest House

This being human is like a guesthouse.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

Some momentary awareness comes

As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

Who violently sweep your house

Empty of it’s furniture.

Treat each guest honorably,

He may be clearing you out for some

New delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

Meet them at the door laughing,

And invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

Because each has been sent as

A guide from beyond.

-Rumi

Isn’t It Ironic?

I just noticed that my title starts off with three I’s. Neat, because I have been thinking of me, myself, and I quite a bit lately.  Last week I updated my blog with some advice about “Letting Go,” from the Book Eat, Pray, Love.  It was kind of odd that as I ended my blog entry I stated that I thought my friends could use that advice.  A little voice inside of me reminded me that I need that advice quite often, and if it weren’t for my boyfriend Vinny, my Cousin Dennis, by boss Dr. Cobb, and my friends and co-workers as of late… I’m afraid I’d still be focusing on how things do indeed just seem to spiral downward sometimes.

Not too long ago, my cousin Dennis wrote in an email to me, “It appears you are making some good choices and good moves to improve the quality of life.  The spiritual path as you know doesn’t go in a straight line. It is a spiral, with all the expected and unexpected twists and turns. When one knows oneself with all our inherent human shortcomings, we know that we must change. This is the beauty of awareness. It is not always comfortable….but this is what prods us into action when we know our life is out of balance”

I knew Dennis was right when I read his email.  Thoughts came to mind about how he always impressed me with his advice, with his words, books he wrote/writes, his successful past, his retreats to Burma, his strength through his recent diagnosis of prostate cancer, his everything…he reminded me that even the most positive thinkers meet with obstacles on their paths.

The irony was this…I had just wrote about Letting Go, and then I started working at a part-time job with teens on the weekend.  I approached my work with child-like enthusiasm, constantly telling myself, “AND THIS IS WHAT I WANT!”  I learned to do that from a book on tape I had recently listened to by Ariel and Shya.  Their advice to a young person who felt like they ‘didn’t want to be where they were,’ was to tell themselves, “And this is what I want.”  Let’s face it, teachers and students are not happy about working on the weekends, but I have to make the class a place where we all want to be, I feel like that is my responsibility.  But things changed when I got there.  I was criticized for my class structure and some other things that just made me feel let down.  Part of it was my ego was bruised, and part of it felt really unfair.  All of my thoughts about being a great teacher felt destroyed, all of my energy felt like a vacuum came and took it away.  Then, I came home and cried.  I was mean to Vinny, (my boyfriend) who thankfully was able to understand that I was having a bad day at work and kindly reminded me that I shouldn’t be taking my anger out on him.  But what was even worse was, I could not let it go.

Two weeks passed, I received more criticism the following week, and again, I COULD NOT LET IT GO.  A while back, Vinny told me “You shouldn’t let people live in your head rent free,”  I love that line… he needed to remind of this concept this past Sunday when I continued to beat myself  up for how I was feeling from work.  FOR THREE WEEKS!  He was right.  Ironically I came across a twelve step program used for ‘holics’ and it helped.  I know this is used in AA programs, but the person who had these 12 steps posted on their website was right when he said, “You can fill in the blank with any addiction and use these 12 steps…”

I see that lately, I’m addicted to Love, Rock-Climbing, Complaining, Music, Work, (especially work) and I’m sure there are other things I attach myself to, but I feel it is liberating when I admit to myself that I am only human, not perfect, capable of change, and most of all, it is always refreshing to remember to take things one day at a time, and to truly be in the moment.  I’ll post the Twelve Steps below, we can all use 12 steps, I can use twelve steps, I know, I’ve been addicted to self pity and complaining for weeks, but they just lost their control.

12 more steps to Freedom:

Step 1 – We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable

Step 2 – Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

Step 4 – Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Step 5 – Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Step 6 – Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

Step 7 – Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings

Step 8 – Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

Step 9 – Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Step 10 – Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

Step 11 – Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out

Step 12 – Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

I Love Reading This

 

One of my favorite books is titled Eat, Pray, Love.  In the PRAY section, where Elizabeth Gilbert, the author, traveled to India to find herself and God on her journey, she observed and experienced a spiritual journey I thrive on… Every time I go on vacation I buy another copy of her book, (because I always give my copy to a friend to read) and while I am away, I lie on the beach, look at the ocean and open up to page 184 where I read:

Instructions for Freedom:

(*Note: the author, who just finished conversing with her friends in the ashram, had confessed how she felt a lot of guilt after her divorce.  A Catholic nun told her, “Guilt’s just your ego’s way of tricking you into thinking that you’re making moral progress.  Don’t fall for it my dear.”  Later, a plumber/poet from New Zealand gave her this list, and I love reading it every year, and feel like some of my friends can use these words right now.)

1. Life’s metaphors are God’s instructions.

2. There is nothing between you and the Infinite.  Now, let go.

3.  The day is ending.  It’s time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful.  Now, let go.

4.  Your wish for resolution was a prayer.  Your being here is God’s response.  Let go, and watch the stars come out- on the outside and the inside.

5.  With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.

6.  With all your heart, forgive, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let go.

7.  Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering.  Then, let go.

8.  Watch the heat of the day, pass into the cool night. Now, let go.

9.  When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains.  It’s safe, let go.

10.  When the past has passed from you at last, let go.  Then climb down and begin the rest of your life.  With great joy.

*Note 2:  Some words have been changed to suit all readers.

Reinventing My Style

When I decided to hire Summer Robbins to evaluate my closets I felt euphoric about treating myself to a personal stylist, nervous about what it would cost, and frantic about getting all of my clothes out of storage and into my closets.  This required me to rummage through my basement to open up my black hefty bags full of clothes I wouldn’t normally wear, and revisit clothing I never wore any more, but wouldn’t get rid of!  What was great about this part of the process was that it not only reminded me that I was taking time out for myself, but it also forced me to organize and simplify my wardrobe before she even came over… and I really enjoyed that feeling.

Hiring Summer became more than just waiting for someone to come over to tell me ‘what to wear.’  The two weeks before Summer came into my home I began asking myself, “What is my style?” “Are my closets as organized as they could be?”  “What if she doesn’t like any of my clothes?”  “What will this shopping adventure cost?”  I knew that fashion just wasn’t my field, so hiring someone in the field to answer that question was just what I needed to do.  I can’t say I waited patiently until she came to my home last Thursday, but I can say I walked up to the door to let her in smiling, knowing I had clean, organized closets.

The first part of our session was therapeutic, recognizably an eclectic word choice, but it was in fact therapeutic.  Sitting on my couch and answering questions about what I enjoyed most about my body, my style icons and where I enjoy shopping are questions I rarely entertain.  This mini-session forced me to think a lot about how I present myself and how I would like to be seen.  The next part of her visit is what I will call, the ‘pruning’ process.  There are times in our lives where we have to let things go in order to move on, and that is exactly what happened to me.  As Summer pulled an 8 year old dress suit out from my closet, I felt like I finally had a reason to let that piece go.  Afterwards, my clothes were piled onto a chair and then Summer explained to me why these pieces just won’t work for me any more.

Next I was to try on the remaining pieces in my closets, these were called my core pieces.  She then made a list of the core pieces I was missing, and finally I was off to shopping.  She told me that I was an Anthropologie girl which I was thrilled about, but she mentioned that Century 21, Saks Off 5^th, and other outlet stores which carried name brand pieces would work just as well for my budget.  The four-hour shopping spree that followed had me feeling like a famous rich girl who was being spoiled with her stylist- Summer took her list and piled pieces into carts while I ‘modeled’ them for her at the fitting room.  If we both agreed on a piece, I purchased it.  This was by far the most fun I ever had shopping.  The next day, while I was at work she went into my home and put outfits together, re-organized my closet with my new additions and then took pictures for my look book which I keep next to my closets now at all times.  The excitement I felt throughout this process continues to be matched by the excitement I feel as my friends, students, and colleagues continue to compliment my new look!  Thanks Summer!    

Things To Do Right Now

1. Don’t worry about what’s next

2. Notice where you are

3. Sit still, allow your mind to sit still

4. Allow yourself to feel everything life is giving you in this moment

5. Smile

6. Look inside yourself, and what do you see?

7. Embrace it…

8. Smile again

The Past Does Not Even Begin to Predict What is Possible in the Future

I just heard Ariel state the blog’s title on her and Shya’s radio show.  She was talking to a young man who was concerned about not making enough money, or bringing in enough business, to be able to afford his wedding.  Ariel pointed out how this man systematically shuts down, whenever he does think about money.   (One of the principles of transformation the Kanes allow us to share in, is that “how we do anything, is how we do everything.”)

In this young man’s situation, he was on a retreat in Costa Rica, and when the opportunity was mentioned to return to the retreat in Costa Rica next year, he shut down, and worried about how he would be able afford it instead of enjoying the trip he was already on. 

This is not foreign to me.  When I began to face divorce two years ago, Worry followed me where ever I went. Worry has followed me without an invite ever since.  Thanks to Shya pointing out when I first met him, and this was not easy for me to hear at first, “Reena, if you are scared about ______, you are probably scared about most of what you do.”

He was right.  Keeping Afraid and Worrying as partners in my life, never really allowed me to fully enjoy where I am. Before I met Ariel and Shya, I tended to look at my life through the scope that the past does affect my future.  I relied on the fact that I had every right to complain and worry about money because it was part of ‘my psychological make-up,’ or ‘my story.’  

In the last few years, since my marriage ended, I have met succesful women, noticed and applauded the success in family and friends, and I am in a relationship with my best friend.  I have realized that if I continue to fear ‘never having enough,’ I am not ever going to enjoy what I have here and now.  

During this holiday weekend I am spending a lot of money, (a lot is a relative term, but it’s more than I am used to spending) and with that, attending a lot of events.  A  co-worker said to me, “I don’t need to be that popular, it costs too much.”  This reinforced my knee-jerk reaction to ‘worry’ first thing in the morning that all of these showers, weddings, Christmas gifts, and birthday presents were ruining my holiday.  Yet, they are not.  I am spending a small amount of what I have earned on the people I care about, and I refuse to let the past ruin my day because ‘my story’ is different from where I am right now.  I have a new story…I work hard, and do well, and so today, at my fourth event this weekend, I will not worry about how much gifts cost. I know my budget, I am smart, and my past did not predict I would be here, nobody’s does.  

On Teaching and Being Taught

One of the things I love about teaching is that I am always learning.  Sure, I learn something new about American History every other day, and sometimes I pick up a thing or two about a Science experiment I wouldn’t have remembered from 8th grade, but I usually learn the fundamentals of life from my thirteen and fourteen year old students.

It is interesting how we as teachers have to plan lessons, yet they never really seem to go our way.  In reality, the classroom should be a microcosm of society, and I have to admit… it is. There are disruptions, technological mishaps, and of course all of the chatter that comes with middle school gossip, which I have to say, doesn’t limit itself to middle school.  We try to control our surroundings and demand attention, yet the truth is, as in everyday life, we can make schedules and agendas, but things may not go as planned.  I have, more recently, tried to observe, rather than control my classroom, my life, my weight fluctuations, my thoughts, and the list goes on.  In the past, when I’ve felt children weren’t matching up to the idealistic plan I put into place, it angered me.  Outside of the classroom, I have noticed that the same analogy, perhaps applied to a relationship, can have the same affect.  In American culture, we expect a fantasy or a fairy tale and whether we are conscious of this or not,  I have seen many strong relationships end in anger because one person, or both, were disappointed with the way things were turning out.

Vinny once told me that biting into a donut hole was the same as trying to predict the future.  There really isn’t any fulfillment in either.  What I have learned from my observations is, that,  things can only be as they are.  With this knowledge, when my students become disruptive, I try to make the disruption a teachable moment, for them, and for me.  If I expected anything, anything at all from them, (minus the academic bar I set!) it wouldn’t be fair to any of us.  This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t aim for great things, but we need to accept where we are on the path to obtaining these things.

Another lesson, I recently learned, and it wasn’t an easy one, occurred last  Friday in my classroom.  A few of students were asking me if we could talk about death and dying.  Some kids shouted it was a ‘morbid topic’ but I tried to point out, that death is inevitable to us all, and dealing with it, may feel more tolerable through group discussion.  I opened up my handy copy of Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, and read a sad  story about a teenager who was killed.  The kids left without saying a word.  But, two days later, they asked me if we could have another group discussion about the story.  They weren’t ready to talk about it two days earlier, and I didn’t push it.  Yet, when we sat around for a half hour to tell our own stories, there was more crying- and laughing- and hugging – than any other moment in teaching I had experienced to date. Outside of my classroom, I sometimes hear my friends vent about how frustrated they are that their significant other won’t talk to them about what is bothering them… and again, I feel we can learn from those who are young… we can’t open up, until we are ready.

During that conversation I too cried as I talked about my grandmother who I lost around Christmas.  During that conversation I told the kids that we have to celebrate what we did have with those who have passed, and I realized that what I preach, isn’t always what I practice.  This was a big moment for me, because I have been crying often as Christmas reminds me of her, her cooking, her Frosty the Snowman face on an instrument hanging in the doorway, her cookies, and ravioli, a tradition I miss terribly… and I watched us all crying at that moment, wishing we could get all of those people and memories back…I realized both my students and I can represent those we loved and lost in this life.  

I am happy that I listened to the same advice I gave to my students. This Christmas, I will try to do what my grandmother would have done, cook, bake, give, forgive, love… she would be happy I learned from her, and through that, she can still live in my heart.